Earlier today, McP discovered a little gem of stream-of-consciousness in her inbox. And now, hop in the phone booth and let me take you way back in time to a far-away place called December 2006.
Okay. So ya’ll missed the genius of our first survery due to technical difficulties. So here we go again.
S&H
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
‘Have you ever kissed someone?’
‘Missed someone?’
‘Told someone you loved them?’
‘Drank alcohol?’
Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature…
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
H: I hate paying rent the most, because I don’t pay my electric bill that often. I throw it away, they turn it off, and then I pay it.
S: I am at ease with paying my rent. But fuck ConEd. That shit should be free.
2. Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
S: I’m gonna say La Pere Pinard. My only romance has been with Heather.
H: That’s gross.
3. Last time you puked?
S: Thanksgiving.
H: Ew.
S: It was, I got really sick.
H: Why?
S: Because I had way too much pumpkin.
H: Ew. I puked when I thought about that.
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
H: Fuck you. I don’t drink and I don’t make displays of my body.
S: And she can’t dance.
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
H: Mrs. Bush
S: Mrs. Heriley. Oh God, she was tan and atheltic. And my dad was in love with her. My dad and her would flirt all the time.
H: Mrs. Bush…
S: Gross. Tell them I have a bush right now.
H: I had a dream about mine last night. When I was in Paris on the day before the outbreak of WWII, I had a pair of pants on, they were my work pants ironically, and they had a hole in the back, like in the thigh below the butt, and you could see the tail end of my bush through them, which caused me a lot of angst in my dream. Y’heard?
S: I’m gonna knit a child some merkin, out of my bush. Not a child, don’t say a child.
6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Please concentrate.
S: Observing.
H: Are you serious?
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
H: I wanted to be a hot, cosmopolitan bitch who ate men for breakfast, had a lot of stash of cash and a cool job.
S: I wanted to work with animals, perhaps by training them or no.
8. How many colleges did you attend?
H: I attended three, but just for sport.
S: One college, like everyone should.
9. Why are you wearing the shirt you have on now?
Im not wearing a shirt, Im wearing a dress!
10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
who cares? I dont drive!
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you…
H: Umm no.
S: If I could live anywhere …
H: Do you know where I live?
S: Do they mean move anywhere as a final destination. I want to be forever moving around the globe and the company I keep should be brown, hung and diversified. You spelled diversified wrong.
H: I think they mean move. Like once. I want to move it…move it.
S: She wants to … move it.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
S: Why don’t they finish the verse, I hate where they cut it off in my new ringtone.
H: I was thinking about that weird assed dream. And about sleeping as late as possible.
S: I was also thinking, “Maybe I got a new Macbook today.”
H: That hurts my soul. I would think Whoopi was more perceptive than that.
S: What’s the next question? Alright I’m done with that one.
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
S: Going to sleep last night? I really want to paint my wall purple.
H: Ew.
S: I really do. I really want deep purple. Deep Purple ha ha ha.
H: I can’t believe I have a job.
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
H: Um I have more important things to worry about.
S: See-through underwear.
H: A hot dude just moved into our bathroom. MY FAVORITE SHOW IS ON!!
S: Is this “Men in Trees?” Ohhh…”What about Brian.” Oh, God.
H: It’s great.
16. What errand/chore do you DISLIKE?
S: Do not understand. What is this errand/chore they speak about?
H: I hated doing my laundry. Now I hate taking my laundry to the people who do it. I’m not going to be able to afford that anymore.
S: I’m going to go to the 75 cent place. Tomorrow. And I’m going to light this insence. This is my chore for today.
H: I hate how there is not “cents” button on the computer. That is a serious problem. I have to pee.
[Interlude]
17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
H: Ha. What do I do, what have I done?
S: Am I a loser?
18. Get up early or sleep in?
S: Get up early on the weeks, sleep in weekends.
H: We don’t get up that early.
19. Who is your favorite cartoon character
H: Are you kidding me?
S: I live in reality. I just sound like a Republican bitch. I think I’m turning into a republican.
H: That’s because I make you watch Fox5 news every morning.
S: This avocado’s really good. Is it okay to eat it when it has a little bit of brown in it.
H: Yeah it’s fine. I told you, Essex Market is THE PLACE for avocados. You’ll never find a better one.
20. Favorite NON-sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
H: Not that I’m serious, but I pre-read this and only saw this question
S: Blow jobs
H: all I could think … was smoke pot.
21. A secret that you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing?
H: Yo great fucking spoon to eat an avocado.
S: Yeah. What is the question?
H: A secret you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing.
S: That I like guys with long ponytails.
H: I like guys with hot asses. Who don’t speak English.
22. How many joints pop when you get out of bed in the morning?
H: Oh my God. I’m a creaking machine. Have you heard me? It would gross me out if someone else did it. My office will be totally silent. And then I’ll crack the same wrist three times, just by typing on the
keyboard.
S: Ha ha ha. You can tell them that my joints are well lubricated.
23. What is the biggest amount of $$ you have made from a yard sale?
H: Fucking paupers.
S: No! My parents had a yard sale when they were selling the house and it was the most awful experience because I went into the garage and saw all my childhood memories being sold for very low prices.
H: Did they make a lot of cash.
S: Yeah. And then we went to the 7-11 and we bought scratch tickets with all the money we made. And we didn’t make any money. No, we made $40 each. And I think I took my sister’s $20. Sorry, but I’m rich now.
24. Your favorite lunchmeat?
H: Ohhhoooo.
S: Ha ha ha. You say it. Susage, isn’t that lunchmeat? Lunchmeat is just ground. Sausage is ground. But they’re not flat. That’s why I like ‘em.
H: I was thinking turkey.
25. What do you get every time you go into a 7-11?
S: Oh man. Oh my God I had the worst thing in 7-11. I got a coffee and then next to the coffee counter and on the counter were bottles of things you could sprinkle into your cup and one of them was “peach
cobbler” and it made the coffee like this chunky, gelatinous goo with globs of peach.
H: I used to go to 7-11 for slurpees and “Guitar World” magazine. I wonder if they have Charleston Chews?
S: But do they sell them for 5 cents.
H: What! Nobody does. I just though again about that damn “cent” key.
26. Beach or lake?
S: Uhh … beach.
H: Whatever.
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
H: I think whores think so.
S: You got it.
28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
S: I think I do stalk a few people. I constantly look at our profiles. No, but the four of us.
H: Really?
S: Cause they’re all right there when I log in.
H: So do we even need to talk or do you know eveything about me.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
H: I don’t deny myself. I live a life of luxury, akin to that of Caligula. So I don’t have one.
S: I live in a virtual Versailles.
H: Can I come over sometime?
30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out you have?
S: What’s over there. Are movies as in VHS or any movie.
H: OMG you have the lamest DVDs.
S: I do, you can tell them that I have “Save the Last Dance.” You can tell them that I’m not into collecting DVDs becuse I’m not into collecting DVDs, because I can’t watch the same movie more than twice unless it’s really good.
H: But the same episode of “Girlfriends?”
S: Girlfriends exceeds any piece of cinema.
H: I think I’ve seen “Save the Last Dance” five times minimum.
S: It’s way too sensual.
H: That bitch made me not want to go to Columbia, thank God.
S: That queer poetry slam we went to the other night made me not want to go to Columbia.
31. What’s your drink?
S: I enjoy all liquids. Wait, don’t say that because there’s a lot of gross liquids out there.
H: I drink coffee, because I am the Gordon Gekko of the publishing universe.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
H: I defer to you.
S: As a member of the Mickmack tribe of Maine, I hereby declair indians to be superior.
H: But cowboys are hotter.
S: But they don’t wear loincloths.
33. Cops or Robbers?
H: I like fat, donut-eating, hairy-chested guido, Staten Island-living cops. And I’m not kidding!
S: I’d probably go for the long, dying robbers.
H: Like cat burgalers in the stripes?
S: Like Mary Poppins-era.
H: Wait, let these people know. That I’m not kidding around.
S: Heather does, in fact, like large, hairy commoners.
34. Do you cheer for the bad guy?
H: I only cheer for myself, because I don’t like losers.
S: I cheer for the best I guess.
H: Thanks for the support.
35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?
S: Benjamin Franklin, Kathy Bates and later-day Linda Rondstandt.
H: What about the dude from My Chemical Romance who is like us, fused at the face. Gerard?
36. If you had to pick one, which cast member of “Lost” would you be?
H: I’ve never seen this show.
S: Which of “Lost” would you be? Found.
37. What do you want when you are sick?
H: Drugs.
S: Fun.
H: Sometimes I hope I’m sick enough that I’ll never have to work again.
38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
H: I defer to you, on the day after your high school reunion. How was it?
S: You can tell them that I don’t think about these things. Who would I like to … ? Great people. People who are making a difference. Just say people who are making a difference, ha ha ha.
40. What do you like to do on your days off?
H: Um.
S: Indulge. Live the high life.
H: Experience the world.
S: Spend my fortune.
H: Spend Steph’s fortune.
41.Who’s your favorite Grey’s Anatomy character?
H: These questions are really leaving me uninspired.
S: That lead bitch, Grey is the cousin of my cousin. Will be the maid of honor.
H: Who will?
S: The bitch.
H: I thought that already happened. I wish these questions were about me and what I have done.
42. Norm or Cliff?
S: Who. Norm of Cliff. Who area Norm and Cliff. Is that what the said. What is it?
H: Cheers.
S: Oh.
H: We’re too young for that. And we don’t support alcoholism.
43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
H: Are you crazy!?
S: Cosby.
H: Steph, when you had a job and I didn’t for that year. I watched back-to-back episodes of the “Cosbys” every day. So I have seen every episode. And let me tell you, seeing Theo graduate from NYU despite his dyslexia, really inspired me. And helped me to do the same.
S: You don’t have dyslexia.
H: But I have challenges.
44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
H: Are you crazy?!
S: Worst relationship?
H: Mistake.
S: I have never regretted anything I have ever done. Things are great.
H: I regret things I’ve done, but I wouldn’t want to go back in time and date any of the losers I’ve dated if you know what I mean.
45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
S: A little too much.
H: No. I do though, have a job for the first time in my life though.
S: You’ve worked before.
H: And by that…
S: Real job.
H: I have a fucking 9-5, salaried job with business cards and fucking respect bitches. Kiss my ass, I get thing done. For real. Tomorrow is my first day.
S: What about Brian kind of looks like that bartender.
H: But hotter.
S: They’ve got that same vibe.
H: I hope those people don’t think I have time in my life for them.
46. If you could get away with it, whom would you kill?
H: No one. I’m not sick.
S: People who kill other people are not people.
H: And think about it, anyone you would want to kill probably has a miserable life which causes them to make you want to kill them. So that is worse than killing them.
S: Too many layers.
47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with, alive or dead?
S: Anyone who pays.
H: Hot assed dudes. Who’s that celebrity I’m into. OH MY GOD!!!!! TOM FORD!! We would eat caviar and drink champage on fur upholstered Louis XIV chairs and then get naked on the obsidion table and eat caviar from each other’s tanned crevices.
S: Ew.
H: That’s my dream!
S: That sounded romantic until you said tanned crevices.
H: Yeah but this is Tom Ford.
S: I still wouldn’t want to eat caviar out of his tanned ass. Burnt ass.
H: This isn’t about romance. It is about sexy!
S: In all reality, dinner with Jarvis. Pasty.
H: Dinner on TOM FORD. YES! I’m so into him dude. I would love to be friends with him.
49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
S: No.
H: Also no.
50. Last book you read for real?
S: Orgies of the Hemp Eaters.
H: The High Times Reader.
51. Do you have a teddy bear?
S: Ucckkk..
H: I have a blankie.
52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
H: Camping?
S: You always brush your teeth on the living room couch, which I find strange.
H: I guess I do. But why not?
S: I STICK TO SINKS?
H: BUT I DON’T WANT TO RUSH. I DONT WANT THE SINK TO BE LOOKING ME IN THE FACE, SAYING “SPIT!”
S: Yeah, but all those chemicals are bad. They shouldn’t be spending time in your mouth.
H: No, it should take 2 minutes. Everyone knows that.
S: Yeah, but you have to like spit and brush. You brush all the bad stuff and you spit it out. And you bring a fresh toothpaste, more fresh toothpaste into the situation and keep doing this pattern. I don’t really do that.
H: I give it minimum 2 full minutes. Watching Fox5.
S: My mouth is clean.
H: So is mine. Yo, where’s the Listerine? Hello?
S: I don’t know, did I throw it away?
H: I think you did.
53. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
S: Okay, I’m going to get real for a second. After thinking I would love the city of San Francisco and having met many people from there that I’ve adored, I was thoroughly dissappointed. I’ve been to LA, not a fan, but I do enjoy the Santa Cruz area and the wildlife.
H: I think of the Santa Cruz area as where the lowest denominator of human life comes from. I think I would like LA because people over there wouldn’t be able to get enough of me. But then I’d go back to New York, and take it away. That pretty fucked up, right?
S: That is. That’s fine though. This is honesty time.
54. Number of texts in a day?
H: I only text people I don’t like.
S: I don’t know. I only text when I’m on a bus.
H: Me too.
55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
H: Oh my goodness.
S: Could my career get any better.
H: Today, I started a new career.
S: Oh really?
H: Yeah. I got a job.
S: That makes me seem pompous.
H: You are pompous.
S: But they don’t need to know that.
H: P-O-M-P-O-U-S?
S: Pomp-o-ous!
56. Do you go to church?
S: Um …
H: Um …
S: Next.
57. Pencil or pen?
H: I like to rotate.
S: Pencil or Pen?
H: I really like both.
S: I can only use one type of pen.
H: I always thought that was weird of you.
S: It’s the only kind of pen that caters to my handwriting.
H: I have great handwriting. But no one can read it.
S: True.
58. Bueller??? Bueller??? Bueller???
H: That’s dumb.
S: [to tv news story about Christmas decorations] That’s Ugly Betty’s house isn’t it? There’s no Jesus. Alright, what’s the next question?
59. How many jobs have you had?.
H: I can’t even answer this question, for fear of ruining the book that I will write one day.
S: No you have to.
H: Long stories short: I worked at Basking Robbins, a diner, Benny’s Burritos, as a personal assistant to a deviant, to a hostest (where my job description was to “be fabulous”), to a tranny bar, to a temp
agency … none of this sound interesting.
S: Yeah it was.
H: I guess you had to be there.
S: I worked at Friendley’s, a summer job where I whacked weeds, picked up trash on the side of roads and dug graves, then as a personal assistant for a cockhead who I’m not ever sure what he did - I really
couldn’t tell you, he had a website.
H: Didn’t he have a scam?
S: Yeah. He scammed eldery people in elderly homes.
H: I think that’s enough.
60?
H: What a letdown. Any thoughts?
S: 60 years old?
H: Not necessarily.
S: Yes, 60.
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